Pastiche
by BridgitKiido
Summary: It's a beautiful day at Duel Academy. The cherry trees are in full bloom, Haou and Jehu are looking to steal Asuka from Judai, Princess Sparklepants is showing off how awesome she is... wait...
1. Defying Logic

**Pastiche**  
by BridgitKiido

Disclaimer: I am but a simple American college student of European Mutt descent. I don't own _Yu-Gi-Oh GX_, but am simply borrowing the characters. The same applies to _Sayonara Zetsubou-sensei_, which provided massive inspiration for this fic. Anyone who knows of the latter probably gets where I'm going with this already; anyone who doesn't will hopefully get where I'm going with this within the first few paragraphs anyway; anyone who doesn't get where I'm going with this until the end, I pity you. I really and truly do.

Timeline Notes: Um… I'll go with a warning for various random minor spoilers for the full series. Nothing huge, unless you haven't seen the end of season 3 yet or don't know where Judai winds up after episode 180, but… yeah.

Warning: While I'm aiming for this to be humorous to those who understand my point (and probably failing but), some might consider parts of the following to be offensive, especially if they don't get it. To those who do find it such, I apologize, but I won't change it based solely on that.

* * *

**Part I  
Defying Logic**

It was a beautiful spring day on Duel Academy Island. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, the temperature was just warm enough to be comfortable but cool enough to not be burning, and there was a gentle breeze that swept throughout the island and made the petals from the island's cherry trees float about scenically. (Are there cherry trees on Duel Academy Island? If there aren't, then apparently there are now.)

Daitokuji was seated comfortably beneath one of these cherry trees, one that was particularly close to Osiris Red. To his left, Pharaoh was curled up, comfortably asleep and allowing Daitokuji to pet him, while in his right arm he held and was reading a book entitled _The Alchemy of Dreams_. A rather odd title for a book, but he wasn't going to complain. To be honest, however, he wasn't paying all that much attention to his book at the moment, because what was going on a ways in front of him was rather distracting.

"Come on, Tenjoin-kun!" Manjoume said. "I know that, despite how in canon you've always tried to be recognized as a strong duelist and not for the fact that you're female, you want to do all of the _other_ guys on the island! I know the perfect place where we can go get it on."

Asuka, despite all canon evidence for her preferences dressed in an extremely low-cut shirt with her breasts almost hanging out the front and a tiny miniskirt that showed far more than was decent, turned away from him and huffed. "I've already told you, Manjoume-kun, _no_. After all, despite our friendship in canon and for no adequately explained reason, I absolutely hate you and can't stand even being in your presence."

Instead of being hurt or confused by this, as one might expect from Manjoume, he glared at Asuka angrily. "Fine then. I'll just have to bring it on you when you're not expecting it and can't fight back. Because despite how in canon I practically worship the ground you walk on and would never dream of hurting you in any way, I would be willing to go that far and don't respect you in the least." He then walked away, pulling out a bottle of cheap beer as he did so and downing it, despite the fact that he was seventeen and therefore under the legal age to purchase or consume it, especially on school grounds. And that's assuming that he would even be interested in getting drunk for the sake of it, even though he never seemed that way in canon. Too busy with his dueling and working toward his future and all that.

Asuka was not alone for long, however, as Judai came running up. "Asuka, my love!" he called out, waving, and she waved back, smiling happily. Because for no adequately explained reason and without any build up toward it or anything, they were in a mutual romantic relationship. When he reached where she was, he swept her off her feet into an embrace, romantically carrying a rose in his mouth, and they both giggled happily.

"Judai-sama!" Rei came running up to Judai and started hugging his legs. "Can we go to bed together now please? Because I definitely want to get in your pants right now, and that's the only reason why I have a crush on you, despite how I grew to like you in canon due to our duel on the beach, really."

"Get away from him, Rei," Asuka growled. "Judai is mine."

"No, you get away from my Judai-sama, you bitch!" Rei retorted, and the two of them started slapping each other in a catfight. Because for despite what canon has shown of their personalities, all of which would contradict this logically occurring ever, they were both petty enough to get into this kind of fight over a boy.

"Ladies, please. There's plenty of me to go around," Judai said romantically, trying to make peace between the two girls who were for some reason fighting over him. And because for no adequately explained reason Judai had the romantic skill of Casanova, the two girls ceased their fighting, hugged each other in peace, and then both embraced Judai on opposite arms, sighing with content.

This happiness did not last long, however, as dark clouds suddenly covered the sky, and Haou and Jehu appeared to try to ruin the lovers' fun. Because despite what canon explicitly explained and without any good reason for it, somehow Haou was in fact a separate person from Judai, and Jehu was a separate person from either Johan or Yubel, despite how the latter was really just Johan who was possessed by Yubel, but I guess he's treated as a separate character or something, I don't know.

"Hey baby," Jehu said with a grin and voice that was supposed to look sexy. "I bet you wanna go on a date with me, hmm? What do you say?"

Judai stepped between the newcomers and the girls, who were suddenly cowering like damsels in distress despite both of their canon characterizations as rather strong characters – this was especially true of Asuka. "Leave them alone!" Judai shouted, though his voice wavered slightly.

"We want to do Asuka," Haou said coldly. "Because despite how I am portrayed in canon, I am completely evil and emo and am only interested in doing teenage girls. Because I definitely have time for that while conquering the Dark World, and definitely would be interested in that."

"I-I won't let you!" Judai said, though he was shaking because despite how in canon he was portrayed fairly differently from this, he was a cowering wimp, but willing to take action when it was needed. "Yubel! Despite the entire point of our relationship in canon, I don't care about you in the slightest and only see you as an attack dog, so come out and teach these two why they can't mess with Asuka!"

"There will be no attacking anyone on school grounds, no ne!" came a shout from nearby before Yubel could be summoned, however, and Chronos walked into the scene. He then pointed at Judai and said, "Drop-Out Boy! Despite this being at least the middle of your third year, since Yubel's existence is common knowledge, and despite all of my character growth in canon up until this point, I absolutely despise you and would like nothing more than to see you expelled, na no ne!"

"Yeah, well you're ugly, Chronos-sensei!" came a female voice from off to the side somewhere. "Or should I say, Cross Dresser-sensei! And because you're ugly, no one likes you!"

"Despite how he's actually rather loved by the students at this point in canon, and despite how that kind of insult to him is bashing and really not something Chronos-sensei deserves," Judai added with a smile as the mystery girl appeared – a girl with bright lime green hair that had sky blue streaks in it, arranged in two long pigtails on the sides of her head that reached down toward her knees, as well as a bit of a twirl in the back. She was wearing something that at first glance looked like it could have been a modified version of the girls' uniform, if there was a red girls' dorm for some reason (which would have to be a well-explained and good one, but there hasn't been so much as an acknowledgment of there being girls' Red dorms yet and this being different from your average universe, not that there ever are). On second glance, however, the skirt was modified to be much frillier; she was wearing gloves and tall boots, and was that a gem-studded headband made to look like it could be a tiara?

"I, Princess Sparklepants, won't allow someone as ugly as you to continue teaching at this school!" She activated her duel disk, which was gem-studded and sparkled in the sunlight.

"I accept your challenge, na no ne," Chronos said, activating his own duel disk as well.

And despite the fact that Chronos is the vice principal of the school and head of Obelisk Blue for a _reason_, Princess Sparklepants pulled off a handy first turn kill, sending Chronos flying into the sky, where he disappeared in a twinkling star.

"Hooray for Princess Sparklepants!" all of the students cheered, even Haou, who for some reason had become distracted from his initial goals simply because their magical girl classmate had shown up. And Manjoume, who was apparently still nearby despite having supposedly left the scene about two pages ago or so.

"Waah, Big Brother, you're so mean to me!" cried Sho as he ran past out of nowhere, crying, bruised, and dirty. The apparent cause of those adjectives was walking slowly after him – Hell Kaiser, who had a wicked stalker-like grin on his face.

"Oh no!" said Fubuki, who had popped up out of nowhere. "It's Hell Kaiser, who, even though he's not portrayed in this manner in the least in canon, loves to torture innocent children, especially his younger brother, who, despite everything canon says that should contradict this, is a fragile snowflake who can't do anything by himself! Not to mention that Hell Kaiser is, despite everything I discovered during my duel with him during the Genex Tournament, a completely evil spirit that is possessing Ryou. He definitely didn't choose by himself to just follow the path of power and see where it would take him, nope. That would make too much sense, and we can't have that."

"Why don't you do something, Shishou?" Manjoume asked.

Fubuki shrugged. "Despite how in canon I'm willing to go so far as to sell my soul to Darkness in order to be certain that my friends are safe, I don't really care about my friends at all and only exist to brainlessly praise the definitely made in heaven and doesn't need any development at all romance between Judai and my beloved sister Asuka. Aren't they perfect together, everybody?" Rei had conveniently more or less disappeared by this point.

Princess Sparklepants, however, twirled around, her oddly green and blue hair twirling with her, and produced a wand with a big, neon-pink heart from out of nowhere in a shower of sparkles. A shower of cherry petals came from the wand and surrounded Hell Kaiser, who screamed. The magical girl, however, continued her petal assault, crying, "Evil demon, be gone! Sparkling Blossom Eternal Therapy Blast!"

And in a shower of sparkles and cherry petals and flashing rainbow lights, Ryou sank to his knees, half conscious, his coat no longer that of Hell Kaiser but his old school uniform.

"Whoa, she purified Hell Kaiser!" Judai said in awe. "Despite how canon definitely explained that he wasn't actually possessed or evil or anything like that."

"Sho…" Ryou whispered, his eyes and voice haunted with guilt. Tears streamed down his face. "I'm so sorry…"

Sho peeked out from where he had been hiding, and then approached his brother and hugged him, also crying. "Even though none of this makes any sense at all, I forgive you, Big Brother."

(Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, a frenzied Saiou was chasing a crying Edo in an attempt to corner and do unspeakable things to him. Because despite how they were actually portrayed in canon, Saiou, even while not being possessed by the Light of Ruin, was willing to hurt his best/only friend in the whole world for absolutely no reason, and Edo was a fragile little flower who could never stand up for himself. But then, why should they even have been on the island at this point? After all, Edo should have been busy in the Pros, and Saiou certainly had better things to be doing. The answer, of course, is that there was no reason. They were there because they were there. And they don't affect the main story much, so.)

By this point, all of the students were singing Princess Sparklepants' praises, even though none of them had even met her until that day (despite how they somehow all inexplicably knew who she was) and that nothing that she had done had made any sense at all. She, however, approached the tree where Daitokuji was seated, watching the scene play out in front of him with a fair share of confusion – this was not how his students usually acted, to the best of his knowledge. Pharaoh, upon sensing the girl's approach, stood up and attempted to hide behind Daitokuji, which struck the bespectacled teacher as odd, but he didn't have the opportunity to ask his cat what was wrong before he was addressed.

"Aww, he's such a cute cat! May I pet him, please?"

Daitokuji smiled. "Well, if he doesn't mind, of course you can – " He was interrupted by a hiss from where Pharaoh had hidden himself, made by a cat who was apparently very against this idea. Glancing, a bit concerned, at his cat, Daitokuji continued, "Well, I guess he does mind, then, nya. I'm sorry – he's not usually this unfriendly, Miss… Who are you anyway? I've never seen anyone like you at Duel Academy before, nya."

"Everyone calls me Princess Sparklepants," the girl replied. "I'm a transfer student who just got here a few days ago despite it being the middle of the year and all. I have a super tragic back-story that probably involves evil perverted men, is likely internally inconsistent, and which I'll probably tell over hot chocolate some time. I've never had any friends before, but everyone at Duel Academy has been so nice to me in the short time I've been here, except for Chronos-sensei, but then nobody likes him, so. I can't understand why your cat is so reluctant to see me, though – animals always love me, especially the cute ones!"

"Princess Sparklepants is amazing!" Judai said cheerfully as the rest of the people who were around approached the tree where Daitokuji was. "Even though the only way that this works would be if she was born when he was at most, like, twelve years old, she's the biological daughter of Kaiba Seto and Kawai Shizuka… or was it that lady named Kisara… But either way, she has five Blue Eyes White Dragons in her deck, and six copies of each of the Egyptian God cards, including a copy of Creator of Light Horakhty, despite how this goes against the rules of the game and how only four Blue Eyes exist, one of them is torn up, Kaiba wouldn't be willing to give up any of them to anyone ever for any price and they likely wouldn't work for anyone else even if he did, the Egyptian God cards are unique and sealed away in an ancient tomb, and Horakhty isn't even a real card! And that wand of hers is the Millennium Heart, even though only seven Millennium Items exist, they were created through the slaughter of an entire village, and they're _also_ sealed in a tomb in Egypt! Isn't she awesome?"

"She says she thinks she might be the reincarnation of the Egyptian goddess Bast, too," Manjoume added. "It doesn't make any sense if you actually think about it, but it's awesome, so who cares if it makes sense?"

"I'm sure," Daitokuji responded, though he didn't sound entirely convinced. In truth, he couldn't put his finger on what it was, but something about the entire scenario deeply disturbed him. He started to push himself up in order to turn toward Pharaoh and see what was wrong, but his hand brushed against a piece of paper conveniently placed on the ground. Curious as to what it was doing there – he would have seen a piece of paper lying around when he sat down, wouldn't he? – he picked it up and took a look at what it said.

_This is a dream. Protect Pharaoh at all costs. Princess Sparklepants only wants to hurt him.

* * *

Author's Notes:_

_Seriously, can someone please explain to me just who or what this 'Jehu' character that keeps showing up everywhere is supposed to be, and how he is a separate character from Yubel or Johan? I don't get it._


	2. Dream a Little Nightmare

**Pastiche**  
by BridgitKiido

Disclaimer: I am but a simple American college student of European Mutt descent. I don't own _Yu-Gi-Oh GX_, but am simply borrowing the characters. The same applies to _Sayonara Zetsubou-sensei_, which provided massive inspiration (and a character's cameo, in this chapter) for this fic.

While I am unwilling to change my writing only because someone finds it offensive, I am more than willing to revise it if there are any other reasons why people feel I need to. I would like to give a special Thank You to DancingKirby and Qu-ko – I read your reviews and looked over the first part again, and you were right – it didn't flow really well. Comes from writing most of this at 2 in the morning, I guess, hehe. I've gone back and revised the first chapter – I'm not sure if I've fixed it completely, but I hope it flows at least a little better now.

* * *

**Part II  
Dream a Little Nightmare**

Daitokuji's eyes would have widened at the note, had his eyes been open in the first place. Instead, he settled for raising his eyebrows at it, though he didn't allow any other emotions to escape besides surprise. He crumpled the note and put it in his pocket, saying, "Well, that's odd. That note says that this is all a dream, nya."

"A dream?" Princess Sparklepants repeated, confused.

"That _would_ explain the fried shrimp spring over there," Judai commented, pointing to exactly what he had described – a nearby spring that, somehow, had fried shrimp gushing out of it instead of water.

Princess Sparklepants thought about this. "If this is a dream, then I suppose it would be your dream, since you're the one who found the note, Sensei" she commented, and then she stared at him. Slightly creepily.

"Wh-What are you talking about?" Daitokuji asked, confused and a bit nervous. "I don't dream about my students acting this oddly, nya!"

If Princess Sparklepants heard him, she ignored him. "So if you were to wake up, we would all disappear, wouldn't we."

It was as though a silence suddenly washed upon the island. Everyone who had been nearby suddenly turned and stared at Daitokuji. Murmurs of "Disappear?" and "I don't want to disappear," and "Well I suppose that at least makes some sense," which was answered by "Slightly more than everything else, at any rate," drifted about quietly, but it still felt oddly silent.

This silence, of course, was eventually broken by Princess Sparklepants, who stated, "Well, I suppose there's only one way to make sure that we don't disappear, Sensei – we just have to make sure you never wake up."

"EH?"

Princess Sparklepants smiled a sweet, creepy smile as she raised her Millennium Heart and it turned into a blood-stained axe. "Or you could let me pet your cat. That would make everything better."

Pharaoh hissed again at the girl before leaping suddenly into Daitokuji's arms and attempting to bury himself in his shirt. Though terrified, Daitokuji took that, alongside everything else, as a sign that letting Princess Sparklepants pet Pharaoh was not an option, and though he was quivering, he stood up and said, "Pharaoh doesn't want you to pet him, nya."

The sky of Duel Academy suddenly shattered into tiny triangles, which drifted for a moment before disappearing, leaving just a red and black gradient as far as the eye could see. Princess Sparklepants brandished her axe, and the rest of the cast – who apparently had decided to ally with her – followed suit as well. Some of them also had axes, while others had knives, and still others had blunter weapons, like clubs or mallets. Manjoume was particularly unique in that, for the same unexplained and illogical reason why he was a drunkard, he had a broken beer bottle as a weapon, broken to have very pointy glass at the bottom.

"In that case, please sleep forever, Sensei!" Princess Sparklepants said before chopping downward, attempting to kill Daitokuji. The only reason he survived was because he leapt backward at just the right moment, and the axe barely missed. Because of this, Daitokuji took a moment before making what he believed to be the wisest decision possible in this situation and acting on it.

He screamed in terror and ran in the opposite direction from the insane people wielding weapons with intent to hurt him and Pharaoh.

"After him!" Princess Sparklepants shouted, and everyone started running after Daitokuji, waving their weapons and chanting "Eternal rest! Eternal rest!"

…Well, everyone except Judai, because Johan (who, remember, is different from Jehu despite everything blatantly stated in canon) ran up to him and grabbed his shoulders before he could go. "Judai!" he said urgently. "You have to know, I'm pregnant, and it's with your child! Even though I'm a male and therefore don't have the proper reproductive organs for that!"

"But that can't be!" Judai replied, grabbing Johan's shoulders in return. "Because I'm pregnant, and it's with _your_ child, despite how it's biologically impossible as you said!" Cue dramatic chords.

But back to the story at hand, Daitokuji continued to run with Pharaoh held tightly in his arms, and the mob, led by Princess Sparklepants, continued to chase after him, weapons raised, chanting their intention to make Daitokuji sleep forever by killing him.

Eventually, in his running, Daitokuji came to the side of a cliff. He was not the only one at the top of this particular cliff, however – Misawa was there too, looking out at the water. Why he was there was a very good question – after all, if Johan was around, this was in their third year or later, meaning that Misawa shouldn't be at Duel Academy in the first place – but then, there were a bunch of discrepancies like that that hadn't been explained yet.

"Misawa, you have to help me, nya!" Daitokuji begged. "Everyone's gone mad, and they're trying to kill me unless I give Pharaoh to the girl who I've never heard of before in my life and who I'm starting to think is behind this whole thing!"

"Mmm, yes, that would be a problem, wouldn't it…" Misawa responded with disinterest, without moving his gaze from the water. "But even though there's no explanation for this that makes any sense, I'm very suicidal, and the only thing I want to consider right now is jumping off this cliff and ending everything, because nobody likes me or even knows I'm there."

Had Daitokuji's eyes been open, they would have widened in shock. "She got you too…"

Misawa then glanced at Daitokuji. "Incidentally, if you want to get away from them, I should think that the way that would put the most distance between you is down, don't you think?" He smiled creepily. "We can jump together, Sensei. Come on – you go first!"

And then he pushed Daitokuji off the cliff.

For a moment, Daitokuji was too stunned by this to do anything, though Pharaoh hissed. When the realization that he was falling came, however, he didn't quite scream. No, though panicking, he tried to reason it instead. "If this is really a dream, then this must be a dream where I'm falling and I wake up before I hit the bottom! Please let this be a dream where I wake up before hitting the bottom, nya!"

Unfortunately, if anyone was listening to his plea, they weren't going to let him wake up quite yet, because he did, indeed, hit the ground. …More specifically, a pile of pillows that conveniently happened to be in the exact place where he landed, cushioning his fall so that neither he nor Pharaoh was injured. This being a dream, it was probably better not to ask where these pillows came from or why they were out there in the first place. A few seconds later, there was a thud nearby – Misawa had apparently jumped shortly after pushing Daitokuji off the cliff, and had not been so lucky as to land on the convenient pillows. Though, he being suicidal for a reason that isn't elaborated upon, this was probably his intention.

After a few moments to take in exactly what had just happened, and with a yowl of prompting from Pharaoh, who had landed on the bottom in the fall and, though uninjured, still would have preferred to have not been trapped, Daitokuji groaned slightly and pushed himself up. "Are you okay, Pharaoh?" he asked, and Pharaoh stretched himself.

Gradually, Daitokuji managed to stand up on solid ground, and he looked around nervously. At the top of the cliff, he managed to make out the movement of a mob of people – his pursuers were still chasing him, but they would have to find a different way down the cliff. For the moment, he was at least somewhat safe.

Still…

He let Pharaoh leap into his arms again, and he started walking, looking for a cave, a convenient building, that crack that lead to the well, _somewhere_ where he could hide from Princess Sparklepants and her army. "A crazy woman is after Pharaoh, and wants to kill me in order to get to him," he said aloud to no one in particular. "She's forcing all of my students and at least one teacher to act opposite of how they normally act and try to kill me. And even if this is a dream, I can't wake up!"

He cried out to the heavens, "This is hopeless! My students all deciding to try to kill me has left me in despair, nya!"

From somewhere behind him, someone coughed. "Um, that… is my line."

Daitokuji stopped, more than a little surprised to hear an unfamiliar voice behind him – surely he would have seen anyone already, wouldn't he? But then, this was supposedly a dream, so why shouldn't they come out of nowhere – and turned to see an unfamiliar, bespectacled man, probably in his twenties, with black hair, dark eyes, and wearing a traditional kimono and hakama – the former had a pattern of embroidered plus-sign-like shapes, while the latter was green with vertical stripes of lighter and darker shades. Somewhat nervously, he responded, "Ah, I'm sorry, nya."

"It's fine. You were in despair, after all."

The two of them watched each other for a few moments, as a cherry tree that just so happened to conveniently be there dramatically let its petals float on a breeze past the two of them. A beautiful cello piece played in the background as they did so.

_A man who wishes to live._

_A man who wishes to die._

_A meeting that was never meant to happen._

Pharaoh watched the scene from Daitokuji's arms, seemingly a bit confused but otherwise not as frightened of this newcomer as he had been of Princess Sparklepants.

Daitokuji was the first to break this silence. "My name is Daitokuji, and this is Pharaoh. If I may ask, who are you, nya?"

The other man bowed politely. "I am Itoshiki Nozomu. Like you, I am a teacher."

"I see," Daitokuji stated carefully, deciding to go with the dream for now. "I guess you're new here, then, nya?"

"Oh, no. I don't teach here – in fact, there isn't any good reason for me to be here," Itoshiki-sensei said. "Just like everything else that's going on in this dream of yours, my appearance is part of a grand storm of clichés that is taking place!"

Daitokuji headtilted. "Clichés?"

"That's right!" Itoshiki-sensei responded, becoming serious, overly dramatic, and increasingly desperate with each passing moment. "People you know acting completely against how they normally act or logically would, given this illogical situation! A newcomer who is so seemingly perfect and tragic that everyone instantly loves her except for those who she doesn't like, who instantly act like they have always been evil! Inconsistent descriptions! Inaccuracies! Sudden appearances of people who have nothing to do with your setting for no reason!"

Dramatically, he looked to the right. He looked to the left. He stared forward. He looked toward the sky. "I'm in despair!" he cried. "This storm of horrible clichés has left me in despair!"

Daitokuji continued to just stare, his head tilted slightly. With a confused mewl, Pharaoh also tilted his head. "I don't quite get what you're saying, Itoshiki-san, nya… Wait, what are you doing?"

Itoshiki-sensei, of course, had made his way to the convenient cherry tree and was now tying a rope noose to it. "I can't live in a world filled with so many clichés!" he cried. "I'll just die now!"

"EH?" This came as such a surprise to Daitokuji that he couldn't bring himself to move and do anything to stop what he was seeing. "You're going to kill yourself, nya?"

Itoshiki-sensei nodded. "And if you had any sense, you would do so too before the ones who are chasing you catch up!" He then pulled the noose around his neck and hung himself.

Daitokuji stood there, stunned as he looked upon the man now hanging on the tree before him. "But I don't want to die, nya!"

He didn't have much time to dwell on Itoshiki-sensei's self-inflicted fate, however, as another chillingly familiar voice came from behind him. "We've found you, Sensei."

* * *

_Author's Notes:_

_Itoshiki Nozomu is, as you've probably gathered if you read the disclaimer, from the satire anime and manga series _Sayonara Zetsubou-sensei_. I tried to keep him as close to properly written as I could – if there are any other GX fans out there who know about this series, read this, and can tell me if I'm doing anything wrong with Itoshiki-sensei's characterization, please feel free to smack me with Chiri's shovel for not having him cameo properly in my fic. _

_Actually, the entire plot of this fic was inspired by the sixth episode of the second season of that anime. And this second part actually is intended to kind of mirror it, in order to parody writers who take the plots from other stories and just stick the characters into the roles and copy the other story plot point for plot point without taking into account how the actual characters would react in the rare scenario where this actually occurred. Though, I suppose whether this is actually like those fanfics is debatable, considering that I only borrowed the basic outline…_

_And for those who don't know the series I'm referring to and would like to know, Itoshiki-sensei's family name, Itoshiki, is written with in Japanese with kanji that, when squished together, read "zetsu", and when combined with his given name, Nozomu, it reads "zetsubou", or despair. Given that in this series every single character has a meaningful name, you can tell where his despairing personality comes from._

_And the cello piece? If you want to hear which one I'm referring to, please feel free to look up "Momoiro Gabriel". It's one of several variations on the first season of _Sayonara Zetsubou-sensei_'s theme._

_The final part will go up on Saturday.  
_


	3. Daitokuji's Awakening

**Pastiche**  
by BridgitKiido

Disclaimer: I am but a simple American college student of European Mutt descent. I don't own _Yu-Gi-Oh GX_, but am simply borrowing the characters. The same applies to _Sayonara Zetsubou-sensei_, which provided massive inspiration (and a character's cameo) for this fic.

* * *

**Part III  
Daitokuji's Awakening**

Nervously, Daitokuji turned to see Princess Sparklepants and her army of hypnotized clones or whatever they were of his students (because there was no way that they were his actual students, dream versions or no), who had indeed caught up to him. They must have either found an easy way down the cliff, or his discussion with Itoshiki had taken more time than he had thought. Or possibly both. He tried to run, but found that his legs had somehow been glued to the ground, despite how it had been perfectly possible to move them just seconds before.

"Let me pet your cat, and no one will be hurt, I promise," was the green with blue streaks-haired girl's proposal.

Pharaoh hissed, and Daitokuji swallowed and tightened his grip. "For the last time, he doesn't want you to, nya!"

"I see." She brandished her axe. "In that case, sleep forever, Sensei!"

Daitokuji crouched to the ground, bringing Pharaoh as close to himself as he could manage like a mother hen draws her young under her wings, for he could not run. With an anguished cry, he awaited the inevitable as Princess Sparklepants swung her axe…

…and connected, but did not draw blood or cause pain. Instead, the axe sunk into what can only be described as flesh that was not flesh – Daitokuji's body protected Pharaoh from being hit by the axe, but was not damaged itself.

"What is this?" Princess Sparklepants asked, her confidence suddenly slightly shaken.

For a moment, Daitokuji wondered for himself just how he had suddenly gained the ability not to die from such a wound… and then the memory struck him, and he smiled slightly, sadly.

"It's very simple," he said, his eyes still closed, his expression one of sadness and yet at the same time one of triumph as he stood up, Pharaoh still held tightly in his arms. "You can't kill someone who's already dead, nya."

Princess Sparklepants quickly recovered from the shock. "I see, Sensei. In fact, I knew that all along. I knew you were dead. In fact, from the moment I first met you, I knew you were evil!"

"Evil, nya?" Daitokuji asked, honestly hurt by that remark. "Yes, I've done things that I regret. Yes, I used students against their will in my quest to obtain the Philosopher's Stone before I died. But I've always tried to be a kind, friendly teacher when that hasn't gotten in the way! Judai, were you not honestly surprised when you discovered my secret, nya?"

Judai, who had apparently caught up to the rest of the group after his run-in with Johan, piped up, "Well, yeah. You're right about that, Daitokuji-sensei. I don't think anyone can deny that you've always at least tried to be nice to everyone. In fact, anyone who would ever unequivocally consider you evil would do so despite all canon evidence to the contrary." The rest murmured amongst themselves, generally agreeing with Judai's point.

"You be quiet!" Princess Sparklepants shouted, and Judai quieted down. She then turned back to Daitokuji, her nature suddenly becoming much more sinister than it had been up to this point. "Well, if I can't make you sleep forever, and if you won't let me pet your cat, I think we should settle this the way everyone does – a duel. If I win, I get to pet the cat, and you will disappear forever, Sensei."

"Fine," Daitokuji said without hesitation, gently placing Pharaoh on the ground, at which point the cat hid behind the alchemist's legs and rubbed against them. He couldn't allow himself to hesitate or be frightened, not when Pharaoh was in danger. A Duel Disc appeared out of nowhere on both his and Princess Sparklepants' arms – he decided not to question this, because this was supposedly a dream. "But if I win, you leave Pharaoh and me alone, nya!"

"DUEL!"

"You can go first, Sensei," Princess Sparklepants offered.

Daitokuji nodded, drawing his card for the turn before looking at his hand and, after a moment, deciding that it could be worse. While certainly not a perfect opening hand – the three Helios monsters were usually better later in the duel, after all – it could work in his favor. "I'll start by playing the spell _Alchemic Kettle – Chaos Distill_!" he began, the giant distilling furnace rising behind him and blowing a little bit of steam as it did so. "While this is on the field, all cards that would be sent to the graveyard are removed from play instead, nya.

"I then play _White Process – Albedo_, which allows me to special summon a _Golden Homunculus_ from my deck, in defense mode!" The golden stone golem came forth, with 1500 base attack and defense. Not the best use for the monster, which would have benefited more from being summoned later in the duel when other monsters had been sent out of play, but it was the best defense he had at the moment. "Then I set one card face down and end my turn, nya."

"In that case, it's my turn! I draw!" Princess Sparklepants said, doing just that. "I send the rest of my hand to the graveyard – that is, out of play, thanks to your Chaos Distill – to special summon _Magical Princess Nezumimi_!"

In a flash of sparkles and light, a magical girl appeared on the dueling field, like those found in various popular anime of the day. She wore a sailor fuku that was mostly light pink but was hemmed with a gold stripe, as well as lace gloves and high-heeled boots that went halfway up her leg. Pink ribbons were everywhere, including in her hair, which was the same lime green with sky blue streaks, though it was arranged into spiral buns on either side of her head. Actually, she bore a great resemblance to Princess Sparklepants, except for her ears – Nezumimi was aptly named, because she had the ears of a rat.

"Her base attack may only be 500, but by Nezumimi's effect," Princess Sparklepants explained, "she gains 1000 attack for every monster that was in my hand when I discarded it. And I had five other monsters in my hand, so her attack is 5500!" The rat-eared princess pulled forth her own wand – oddly similar to the Millennium Heart – which glowed with power. "She also can't be destroyed by magic, traps, or monster effects, and when she battles and destroys a monster in defense mode, you take the difference between her attack and its defense as damage to your life points!"

"But that's absurd, nya!" Daitokuji cried. "Perhaps if your monster had only one of those abilities it would be permissible, but all of those effects on one monster, and for almost no cost? That is terribly broken – Industrial Illusions would never allow such a card to be printed, nya!"

"Your point being? Magical Princess Nezumimi, attack Golden Homunculus! Sparkling Blossom Eternal Therapy Blast!" And at Princess Sparklepants' command, Nezumimi twirled and produced a storm of flower petals with her wand, which surrounded and annihilated Golden Homunculus.

Princess Sparklepants smirked as the smoke from Golden Homunculus' destruction covered the field. "Good night, Sensei."

But when the smoke cleared, Daitokuji was still standing, his life points still a full 4000, though he did have his arm up to protect himself. A single quick-play spell was visible through the smoke, with an image of a hand holding a pure, white lily. Each digit of this hand was cut off at the first knuckle, but there was no blood. "What?" his opponent asked, shocked.

"I activated my reverse card, _Hand of the Martyr_," Daitokuji explained. "When my Alchemic Kettle – Chaos Distill is on the field and I take Battle Damage of at least 3000, I can remove from play all monsters in my deck to reduce that damage to zero, nya."

"What good will that do you if you don't have a monster to defend you?" Princess Sparklepants taunted as she ended her turn, having nothing else she could do.

"You'd be surprised, nya," Daitokuji responded. "It's my turn, and I draw." He did so and smiled at what he drew. "I play the spell card, _Hand of the Murderer_!" The card appeared next to him, with the image of another hand, holding a single red rose. This hand appeared uninjured, but was covered in blood. "When my Alchemic Kettle – Chaos Distill is on the field, I can pay half my life points, and for every hundred life I pay in this manner, you have to remove one monster from your deck from play. That's twenty monsters, nya," he supplied helpfully as his life dropped to 2000.

"Yeah, well, so what?" Princess Sparklepants said as she removed the twenty monsters. "How much good will that do you?"

Daitokuji ignored her question for the moment. "I then Normal Summon _Helios – The Primordial Sun_!" A woman, invisible except for the shape that her bandages covered and for the sun that was her head, appeared on the field. "I then tribute Helios to Special Summon _Helios Duo Megistus_, which I then tribute to Special Summon _Helios Tris Megistus_!" The first woman briefly became a large but short woman with a second sun hovering close to her head, and then she became three children, all wrapped in the same bandages, all with suns for heads. "And with Helios Tris Megistus' effect, her attack is equal to the total number of monsters removed from play, times 300, nya."

Princess Sparklepants stared for a moment. "I have twenty-five monsters removed from play, and all of yours were as well…" Her eyes widened in shock.

Daitokuji smiled. "In order to destroy your Nezumimi and defeat you at the same time, Helios Tris Megistus would need to have 9500 attack, which would require thirty-two monsters removed from play by both of us combined. I assure you, I have more than seven monsters in my deck, nya." Ghostly images of Golden Homunculus, Helios, Helios Duo Megistus, and the six Alchemy Beasts appeared behind him alongside the other monsters in his deck, and Helios Tris Megistus' three suns glowed blindingly bright as its attack exceeded 10000.

Pharaoh meowed happily, and Daitokuji pointed his hand toward Nezumimi. "Helios Tris Megistus, attack Magical Princess Nezumimi! Phoenix Prominence!" The three suns converged into a blazing firebird that, with a cry of victory, flew toward the rat-eared magical girl, reducing her to ash instantly. Princess Sparklepants screamed as she was also engulfed in flames and her life points were reduced immediately to zero.

When the flames subsided, Princess Sparklepants was on the ground, breathing heavily. She struggled to lift her hand, reaching desperately but fruitlessly toward Pharaoh, who was still behind Daitokuji's legs. "No…" she gasped, reaching toward her unreachable goal even as her body began to dissolve into tiny sparkles of light. "I have to… I have to pet him… I have to… become…"

And then she was gone, and a flash of light engulfed the entire area, causing all of the assembled students, as well as the island, to also disappear into tiny pinpricks of light that floated off into nowhere. Daitokuji and Pharaoh were the only ones left in a sea of soft glow.

Pharaoh leapt upward into Daitokuji's arms again and proceeded to rub his head against his arm. If cats could talk, Pharaoh would be saying something along the lines of 'Thank you for saving me, my friend.'

And despite that handicap, Daitokuji understood anyway, happily giving Pharaoh a scratch behind the ears. "I'm glad you're okay now, Pharaoh. Now, let's wake up together, okay, nya?"

And so they did.  


* * *

  
Pharaoh finished throwing up the last of what was in his stomach and collapsed to the ground, panting a bit. Judai gently reached out his hand and petted Pharaoh's back, lightly so as to not disturb him too much but enough to let him know that someone was there for him.

"It'll be okay, Pharaoh, I promise," he assured the cat, though not without worry. Pharaoh looked at him and weakly meowed, at which point a small ball of light dizzily escaped his mouth.

Said ball of light groaned. "Oh, where am I, nya? I had the most horrible nightmare…"

"Daitokuji-sensei!" Judai said, his attention immediately jumping to his deceased teacher. "Are you okay? Yubel and I have been worried – Pharaoh's been sick for a week, and you haven't come out during that time at all." Indeed, Yubel was nearby, and though not solid, she was visible to everyone there.

"A week?" Daitokuji repeated in shock. He then turned to Pharaoh. "You've been sick a whole week, nya? Oh, Pharaoh…" He gently laid a ghostly hand on Pharaoh's back, and the cat looked up at him wearily.

"We've been doing what we could to keep him comfortable and help him get better, but he hasn't been able to hold anything down, and he's been throwing up almost constantly," Judai said, motioning toward Pharaoh's latest production. It was odd, for cat throw up, in that it wasn't completely brownish yellow, or any kind of natural color that might be found inside an animal, but had streaks of, if one looked close enough, could possibly be lime green and sky blue.

"It was probably something he ate," Yubel offered. "That dead rat he found on the other side of the road the other day, for instance. It was probably filled with maggots and who knows what else."

Daitokuji continued to watch Pharaoh, who even within the span of a couple minutes already looked at least somewhat better, at least to Daitokuji's eyes, which were familiar with cats. "I think it's all out now, nya," he said quietly.

Judai looked at him. "Eh? How do you think that, Daitokuji-sensei?"

"The nightmare I had," Daitokuji mused. "It's hard to explain, Judai-kun, but I'm pretty sure – no, almost positive that it's all out now, nya."

"What happened in the nightmare that makes you so sure?" Judai asked curiously. "If you don't mind sharing, of course."

"It's kind of a long story, nya."

"There's plenty of time. Kenzan's graduation isn't for another…" Judai looked upward for a moment as he counted in his head. "Five days. There's plenty of time for Pharaoh to rest up and get better before then."

Ah yes, Kenzan's graduation. Judai had made certain to mark that date – he may have been a bit out of touch with his friends most of the time, but he wasn't going to miss his friend's graduation, and it would be good for him to see his friends who were still at Duel Academy.

And of course Daitokuji was going to tag along, even if there would be no one for him to talk to. He wanted to see how Fujiwara was doing, anyway – all he'd heard about the student who had been so interested in alchemy and the occult during his brief time at the school before disappearing unexpectedly was that he was doing much better than he had been before, and apparently had plans to spend the coming summer with Hell Kaiser. But it was one thing to hear things and another to see for himself.

"All right, I'll tell you about it, nya," Daitokuji responded, and Pharaoh mewed, slightly weakly but stronger than the one that came before.

And as he told Judai what he remembered of the nightmare, the students who were completely different from how they really were, and the strange green and blue-haired girl named Princess Sparklepants, and as Judai reacted as he knew Judai would react to it, Daitokuji's nerves, ghostly as they were, calmed down, for he was certain that things were back to normal now.

* * *

_Author's Notes:_

_According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, cited on Dictionary dot com, a pastiche is "a dramatic, literary, or musical piece openly imitating the previous works of other artists, often with satirical intent". I thought it a fitting title for this particular piece._

_Everything I know about alchemy I learned from SyntheticPoetic's Livejournal posts about the alchemic references in 5Ds, including the names of the cards I created for Daitokuji – seriously, if you haven't seen his posts, go check them out, they are amazing. (If I'm off with the point of the Martyr and the Murderer, feel free to smack me.) Also, I don't know exactly how many monsters Daitokuji's deck has, because we can't have seen the entire thing in the one duel he's in during the series, but given that we know of fourteen of them, he would have at least thirteen out of play at that point. Hence why I was so vague with the numbers – sorry about that. Wasn't sure how to phrase it better, so...  
_

_Nezumimi is a portmanteau of "nezumi", Japanese for rat, and "mimi", Japanese for ear. I feel it's an appropriate name._

_If I've done anything wrong in the duel (ex. miscalculated life point totals, missed a card that shouldn't be in someone's hand, used an effect in a way it doesn't actually work), or if Daitokuji's Hand cards are too overpowered for your tastes, please let me know. I tried to balance them as best I could, but I'm a novice at this game at best, so. Nezumimi, of course, is meant to be overpowered to the point of ridiculousness, if there was any question about that. That is kind of its point._

_If it isn't obvious by now (and if you haven't caught on I question whether you've actually been reading this or not), this has been another satire fic, this time regarding awful, inaccurate characterizations, Mary Sues, and various other poor-quality fanfic clichés that you unfortunately see everywhere in this fandom._

_I hope you enjoyed reading this – I honestly had a lot of fun writing it. My first long fic in forever! I'm not sure what my next project will be, but I do know that this summer I intend to get as far as I can in finally writing _Heaven's Charge_, so hopefully that will come sooner rather than later._


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